fly away from here

flowers and candles by the tree

I've never been comfortable with the idea of death and funerals. Mainly because I somewhat selfishly have no idea what to do. The first funeral I went for was my cousin's. I was really young, probably about ten or something and I wasn't close to that cousin of mine at all. I saw her probably less than 5 times a year so I was not emotionally attached to her at all. But she was my cousin. So there should be some sort of connection. There should be. But there wasn't. At her funeral, I just couldn't cry at all or bring myself to feel the feelings that I know I 'should be' feeling. All of the 'shoulds'. And I mean I can cry at will and I could have faked it to make myself feel less awkward but I would probably feel worse at the end of it. That and I hate letting people see me cry.

A few years later I attended my second funeral. It was my great-grandmother's. Think she was almost a hundred years old. I saw her probably once a year during Chinese New Year and that was it. She was just another face at a semi-obligatory family gathering. I know that sounds cold and harsh but that's the truth of it, even if I wish it wasn't. My mother cried. I really hate it when she cries, that and it really makes me somewhat uncomfortable. Parents are meant to be the 'rocks' in your life. Growing up they're meant to be the superheroes who can do the impossible. But sure as you grow older you learn and understand that they're humans as well, and that that may not be such a bad thing. But I digress.

It was open casket and I really didn't want to look in. But I think my mom told me to and out of respect I did. I still remember the image of my great-grandmother lying there. People were crying around me and I really just couldn't cry.

I cried at the next one I attended. It was a very dear teacher's husband who had passed away. I didn't even know her husband. But I cried a bit at that one. Mainly because of the loss of love.

I remember how she looked at him one last time with her hand weakly stretched out to him as he silently laid there. As cliche as this may sound, that moment seemed to freeze whilst everything else around it didn't matter. It seemed to last a long while but it couldn't have been more than a few second and I'm not sure if anyone else around me saw it but I did and it hurt. And the contrastingly hasty actions that followed it. The way the casket was quikly moved aside and as that teacher or mine let herself fall into a colleague's arms for comfort who quikly took her away from that place.

It all just happened in a few seconds and yet, they happened.

The last funeral I went to was the father of an ex-boyfrieind. We had broken up by then but he needed me there and out of respect, I went down. It was open casket again and I saw the man I had once known, with the last memory i had of him being him defending me against something really stupid his son did. Well that and how he had looked lying in the hospital bed. I hate hospitals, but that's another story for another time..

I met a friend/brother at that funeral. I hadn't seen him in a while and he said I changed. That I was now really quiet. I was really quiet that night.

Earlier today my mom told me of these two boys who were about 20 years of age. Were. How quickly I settle into the past tense.

http://www.straitstimes.com/Latest%2BNews/Singapore/STIStory_151975.html

Whilst driving, they crashed into a wall and the car burst into flames, killing them both. This happened along Sixth Avenue, and on the way to dinner we drove by the spot where they crashed and the tree at that spot had flowers and candles on it in memory of the two boys.
They were just boys.

I said a little prayer and felt the usual emotions and I thought that was that.

Till I remembered a brief phone conversation I had with a friend on Saturday. I was suppose to go clubbing with hm but I couldn't make it and I felt really bad about it. We were on the phone chatting for a bit that night and I asked if he was still going and he said maybe not 'cause his friend just passed away, actually two of them. That was basically all he had told me.

I just put the two together.
I just sent him a text.

But what more can you say other than that you're sorry? Anything more, no matter how sincere, is just going to come off as bullshit.
I never know what to do in such situations.

posted by -xin` @ 04:57