a year on
Since I woke up, I've been trying to write something substantial. Just something about the way I've been feeling inside.. to take it out from inside me and to put it here so that maybe I'll have less to deal with internally. But I've never been one to open up too much.. And I care about you too much to do so.
About a year ago, I had everything most people loosely want in their lives. A great group of friends, an ideal life in london where I study at one of the best colleges in the world, I got into the course I wanted that's one of the most competitive and sought after in my college.. I'm blessed. But I realised, it all loses its meaning if I can't share it with the one I want.
About a year ago, I lost my love and went through a whirlwind of emotions. And I've been going through something similar.. It's a real sick sense of deja vu, especially since it's happening around the same period of the year.
They say there's more to life than just work. And some people also say, that there is more to life than just love. But like I've said, it loses meaning if you can't share it with the one you love.
I've grown and learnt a lot in the last year. And people keep telling me that I'm a lot stronger than I think I am.. Because they've seen me go through a lot in my life and somehow I still am able to come out all of it fine at the end of the day. But I think it's only because that's the 'image' I portray; that I'm tough and hardcore.. or so I'd like people to think. You sweetly laughed when I said that I'm meant to be tough and hardcore.. but you did say I am tough when I need to be.
I need to be tough. I have to fill a sketchbook by Tuesday and I haven't started on it. And other little projects with due dates that are all in a few days time. I just don't have the strength to do it all without you.. But I have to do it. I think I've grown a lot in the past year.. But if you read my old posts, about a year ago when I was going through something similar.. You'd be able to draw similarities from then and now about how I'm not strong enough to be on my own at times like these when I have more work than I have time for. When will I grow up and learn.. I need to grow up.
About a year ago I went through this. And I was scared to fall in love again because I didn't want to go through it again, and I told you all of that. The only reason why I'm not fully going through that is because I refuse to be.. So I guess I do have a bit of strength.. But right now, I just want to fall asleep and sleep it all through.. To have Sleeping Beauty's annoying luck when she slept through all the shit and just woke up again when everything was all happy wappy.
It's just days like these that I think about you a lot. Because exactly six months ago, I had the best first date that I probably have ever had. I have a thing for dates (hahahaah pun intended.. -.-) Most guys don't, but I'm annoyingly not jaded and the sentimental sort of girl. So I remember dates and so there you go.
And so there I have it. I finally managed to get something out.
posted by -xin` @ 21:12
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